UnDerEstiMated-OverEstiMating

28 Feb, tau2 je dh tibe =P sabo2 xbleh ke?? heh… bkn ape… its like theres nothing to celebrate about after 23 yrs of life except for my ever nearing death… rimau still tertinggal kn belang… what about me?? trails of what i wanted to do but never found d courage to get thru it?? ye laa kot… takat ni tu laa accomplishment yg aku ade… [damn2 so like luahan perasaan dlm blog... goli den~~]

but then again thank you to those that remembered dis date. Really. Thank you. U guys made my day. I spent most of my time at the Kajang police station, paying my samans. Its as if they know its my special day & gave a discount =P

i complaint to my bro about the unfairness of school authority (tho its been 5yrs since i last had to bow to their ridiculous rules) [bgeh3 pejadah??]

then off to work… sleepy cm hell… agak2 kalo2 aku xterdgr kanak2 tu bercerita sesame sendri… mau tdo jugak aku… cite ape?? [can't say... i segan laa nk put in writing hahahahahaha]

balik… i guess Khuzai deserve a mention here she said "kene laa pikir kite mude sentiasa… xde laa nnt rasa x bertenaga & x larat je nk terus kn idup" well… sumthing to dat effect =)

1 detail missing… Fort Minor’s concert on this very nite~~ I wanted soooooo much to go… nk jumpe Mike Shinoda what a coincidence it was on my bday kn?? tapi as most dreams are made to be… manade jadi kenyataan…

[xde point... cm taik je dis post... sebab?? for me to know for d world to wonder~~]

Poetry in its irony Ever tot of love as a last cigarette??

Last Cigarette - Bon Jovi -

Regrets are all you left on your lipstick stains
Take a picture of our past there in that ashtray
We had our fun, I used to light your flame
Like the dancing smoke that rose we tried to find our way
No one told me, she told me

Your love’s like one last cigarette
Last cigarette, I will savor it
The last cigarette
Take it in and hold your breath, hope it never ends
But when it’s gone, it’s gone
The last cigarette

Just to breathe reminds me of what used to be
The smoke’s the ghost that keeps you close when I can’t sleep
Don’t ask the past to last; it’s about to change
The memories don’t answer when I call your name

Your love’s like one last cigarette
Last cigarette, I will savor it
The last cigarette
Take it in and hold your breath, hope it never ends
But when it’s gone, it’s gone
One last cigarette, last cigarette
One I can’t forget, the last cigarette
Right there at my fingertips, I got your taste still on my lips
Right or wrong
You’re still gone, gone, gone

No one told me, she told me
You always lose the girl in a Brian Wilson world

One Last cigarette, I will savor it
Take it in and hold your breath, hope it never ends
But when it’s gone, it’s gone
One last cigarette, last cigarette
i will savor it the last cigarette
take it in and hold ya breath
hope it never ends
but when its gone its gone
The last cigarette, last cigarette
One I can’t forget, the last cigarette
Right there at my fingertips, I got your taste still on my lips
Right or wrong
No one told me, she told me

like i said, once the ball gets rolling, it NEVER stops. it wasn’t enuff that i had to go to 2 interviews during the week, kunun2 ade peluang nk get extra money (gile desperate any offer comes around simply snap up throwing caution to d wind) by joining this survey thingy that namo asked me to join.

laa… bersyukur laa… ye la ye la… i am thankful i haf d chance to errr… d least i get the chance to test my mettle in those i/view thingy… getting me outta my shell kinda thing (peh shell~~)… talking to strngers and going thru experiences that i take pains to evade ;P things just didn’t turn out d way i’d imagined it to be…

for one… the 1st i/view i went to was not strictly a job i/view, its actually a program for fresh grads & those who fail to secure jobs after graduation. sumwhat a giving-back-to-the-people kinda gig by high profile companies, joint venturing wif the selangor government… www.shrdc.com.my . the more i hear of it, the more repulsed i felt. why?? we haf to go back to class for 6 MONTHS, 5 day a week, from 9-5… wif the possibility of sacrificing our weekends. then we are bonded to the government by the "Aku Janji" contract, where if we bail out of the prog for whatever reasons, we are bound to pay back (my course costs rm22500 which is the cheapest and theres d addition of monthly allowance of rm500) all the costs are paid by d gov. after 6months, the centre will set up i/views with relevant companies so that we cn be placed as trainees for another 6months. oh the prog i was offered was plastics and mould design… there 2 other courses’ i/views dat day (footwear tech + engineering). i guess the reason that repulsed me the most was the revelation that i cud do better in the field i’ve set my mind to… which is the oil&gas field. i just can’t imagine producing wares… ntah… ntah arr… ikut rs ati nk cabut je dat time w/out going thru d i/view tp thinking back i went all d way to s.alam + nyusahkn iyzee + dh ade kt ctu… well wat d heck just get on wif it laa… i came at 8 but was i/viewed @ 2pm… and definitely i’m an impatient person… i so hate waiting!! (pehhh psl 1st i/view pn dh pnjg)

then in d evening i was on d rendevous wif namo + rina to get extra money (in the form of rm70) by volunteering for a survey at err… survey-type-company?? (oi namo pe name company tu??) even tho its a short walk from kl central, it was raining heavily and i was already dizzy from the interview… penat laa… smpi kt company tu, rupe2nye i was not listed for the survey since i didnt receive d call d company made to me which was by the way during the i/view briefing… namo was ashen by then… hehe… lek arr namo… kang blanje aku mkn kt cosy corner =D i had to brave a heavier rain back to kl sentral… hmmm…

nxt day i/view @ shell… i arrived early… made myself comfortable @ d lobby… waited for 1++ hrs… and still i wasnt called in for d i/view, seeing interviewees coming out, i went over to d receptionist and asked when was my turn coming… "kesilapan teknikal… maybe we’ll put u in d 12o’clock session?" i was fine with that. then another call, "what about at 2 o’clock or u wud like to postpone to another day?" (dlm hati pejadah nk postpone) "i’d go for d 2o’clock session & i requested that i’d b shown d place to eat + pray. sib baik mkn ditanggung. Mawarr showed up =D we chatted while she ate, and then i went for prayers b4 d i/view. then i walked to d designated i/view place, which was empty save for d 2 ladies in it. i was told to wait. out of nowhere comes my interviewer, who ushered me into a room and with urgency proceeded wif my i/viewe… heh… it got from bad to worst with my stammerings and inability to utter simple english words (i wonder still where did my vocab gone to?) then d ultimate question came "wat r d adv of tourism?" "disadvantages?" pe laa… serious shit can’t string a coherent train of tot. berkecamuk ideas + ayat xyah ckp laa… i was d one dazed by my performance… tp kenape aku x sekeciwa yg aku byg kn?? guess we’ll know in a week’s time… either i was totally numb or simply dissillusioned by my wanting to be in d O&G field…

moral of d story… dont keep me waiting… hahahahahahaha… i just cant think straight~~ ntah laa… but i guess God wanted to show me sumthing… i just cant muster d courage to figure it out & admit it as it is…

[pejadah tulih luahan perasaan lagi nih?? sEngal nk mati =P]      

freedom of speech. pehh… cam gah je the propaganda this string of words possess. tapi as most of humans nye endevour, everything is subjective. take for instance isu cartoon of prophet Muhammad, kite2 yang muslims ni tahap dewa nye emo; hence the protests, the burning of flags and effigies, the boycotting of Denmark and other European countries, and the insoluble resolute of more militant-bent muslims. on one end, we have the utmost rite to retaliate, on the basis of freedom of speech. betul tak? i mean, those activitives that i just described is a from of ’speech’ so to say, it magnifies our sentiments over the issue kn.

on the other, we cant let ourselves sink to their level jugak. they mask their bias-ness under the guise of freedom of speech. sian… they trample the ideals that they so call uphold in the name of acting on freedom of speech. ye laa kn… kate champions of democracy and human rights, and isnt part of our rites as humans to be respected, who and whatever we are. isnt it our right to chose and practise our own faiths, and isnt it our right to protect what we view as part of our well being? hehe… lawak arr diorg ni… bisa cakap tidak serupa bikin. which is it? if truly freedom of speech gives you the license to ridicule and make sampah outta other ppl, then it implies that there’s also the freedom to take life at our whim and fancy, freedom to trample on other ppl’s heads. maka sah laa perbuatan militant2 tu tak. (haha… i’m only jotting down my disgruntled train of tots, i’m not implying that terrorism is the way to go) tp tu laa kan… what goes around comes around~~

but in the long run, it solidifies the world view of us muslims as terrorism-prone. so how do we go about retaliating? i guess one of my favourites were carried out by the iranian paper, they opened a contest to find the best cartoon on the holocaust. coated in religious-biasness and innocently proclaiming up holding the freedom of speech. nicely done. ironic gile. pulangkn paku buah keras… sedap tak agak nye? dan2 the religious leaders kt europe condemn… agak2 kenape ye? hahahahaha… class A act… and takde org pn kene bomb… sumthing like the italian job

to me personally, these so called champions of freedom of speech are deliberately menungkik2 aku nye pride. cm murah sgt je faith + belief system that i carried since the 1st day i tasted life. hell that gotta hurt. pantang pride kene pijak ni… maybe i cud try my hand out in cartoon drawing… byk gak anime yg aku layan… besides, kunun2 org kidal ni artistic…

problem lies in both sides tak open minded. cannot accept each other to be different. hell laa… dah nape pn org… tgk family sendri bleh bajet each one of us is unique… i dont always see eye to eye with my parents. i dont always agree with my sister over who is the cutest guy on earth. even twins can be total opposites. so accept. lain org… lain kepala… sengal btul~~

Then again I’m pissed off. I wanted to write so badly, but I just can’t. The easy flow of words are cut off, blocked from ever coming out. I needed to comment on the Danish cartoon… I have my points, but then damn words are no where to be found. Am I using too much profanity nowadays?? Does that limit my vocabulary prowess and the ease I usually have in piecing words together??

Urghhhh… It just won’t come. I wished I hadn’t thrown out the essays I did during my schooldays… That was insanely stupid!! I should have hold onto it, maybe find out why my teachers took to the extreme in lumping (damn… leh amik word dr lagu My Hump Black Eye Peas) praises onto me. Maybe figure what the fuss is all about over my writing.

Maybe just to jot down my frustrations over someone who should have jump for joy for whatever I find joyful. Maybe to relive the moments when I felt estatic and appreciated. Maybe share with the world that I stood 6 feet behind A. Samad Said at a bookstore. Maybe to just clear my mind out of the junk accumulated and needing purging (damn you material balance). Maybe to rise to the challenges my friends had heaped upon me. Or maybe just try to shift general view over our education system (admit it, we are ‘manufacturing’ robotic geniuses in our schools).

AAAAAAAAAAaaaaa~~ Why can’t I be a lyrical maestro like Jason Mraz?? Or write in a matter of fact tone like Zainul Ariffin?? Or be a movie commentator like Farid Faridul Anwar?? Or have the pleasure in sharing the books I love to peruse?? Tungkik… Shawn Sengal~~

(oi ape nih tetibe wat luahan perasaan dlm blog?? damn you Writers Block!!)

Why is it, whenever we are damn bored and have all the time in the world, nothing seems to happen?

And why is it, whenever one exciting happening comes a-knocking, it kind of act as a catalyst for other exciting things to avalanche up our doorsteps?

Why again should we initiate the first step to anything, only to be bundled up in too many everythings?

Why indeed… should we continue on this wild roller coaster ride, eventho our energy are wasted on the anticipation of the climb and the adrenaline rush of falling?

Why?? Oii… aku penat laa jadi penat… aku penat laa jadi sengal… aku penat laa expecting the unexpected… ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz~~~~

How delightful for me to have a one on one conversation with the ‘pegawai’ who is in charge of the sports facility in Seksyen 15, Bandar Baru Bangi. How easy it is for him to abuse the powers in his hands and increase the rates charged for the usage of the facilities at his whim and fancy. And to think he can get away with bullying students who needed the facility. How I wished I can shove his nonsense down his throat and beg me for mercy.

To pay RM5 per hour for court usage has definitely burned a huge hole onto those that frequent the facility. And to have it doubled over the weekend, that is plainly taking advantage of another person’s misfortunes. To add salt to injury, that ‘pegawai’ is now banning a one hour court usage, the minimum allowed time for court usage is two hours. My dear ‘pegawai’, have you not taken any sports throughout the course of your existence? No wonder at the tender age of 30, your tummy can be seen protruding out of your bodice. Such an ugly sight for such a high and mighty ‘pegawai’, isn’t it? Never you mind, he is trying to save the citizens of Bangi from coming to the same fate as his.

But then again, if logic is ever consulted before coming to such decisions, wouldn’t the ‘pegawai’ see that it takes almost Herculean strength to continue a two hour game of whatever? The extra strain the body has to endure, the diminishing amount of fluids, fatigue. Seriously, for us who take sports merely as a recreational activity, we do not prescribe to the training regime of the athletes. One hour is more than enough to stretch, tone and sweat our bodies. Damn fool of a ‘pegawai’. Never heard of the notion playing for fun? Most court related games, even those played professionally, takes roughly about one hour. And you are forcing us, recreational players to go beyond our limit so that you can rake in more money?

Hey fool of a ‘pegawai’, you want to rake in the monies, go indulge yourself in gambling laa. Not much work, the gains are high, the risks are equally mighty. Pejadah jadi ‘pegawai’ kat Daerah Hulu Langat? Seriously, the money obtained through taxes, is it not enough to maintain the operations of the sport facility? A facility that only boasts of two squash courts, six badminton courts, three tennis courts, a basketball court and a stadium. The toilet is out of order and in darkness. The grass is not well kept and the weeds are growing pretty wild. The squash court floor is not even lacquered! How much money does it take to run a facility as yours?

Another point to ponder: your.. err… ‘megalomaniac’ facility doesn’t have a swimming pool. You know how much those pools normal charge the public for its usage? About RM2-3 PER ENTRY. Now we look at the areas of maintenance of a pool. I wished I knew the correct dimension of a pool, but lets work on a theoretical pool of mine with a width of 25m, length of 50m and average depth of 3m, which will equal to a volume of 3750m³. At any one time, the pool must have that amount of water in it. Say the chlorine use is a third of the amount of water needed, which is roughly 1250m³. Then the cleaning up process, it sure as hell ain’t a breeze to fish out all the unwanted debris in it. The pump electricity requirements, the lifeguards needed. Logically, the maintenance cost should be a few times higher than to maintain your dusty, weed covered facility right? So the question comes again: why the need for a cut-throat usage rate imposed on us, tax payers??  

Oi tungkik manat punye ‘pegawai’, meh lawan squash seround. Tengok sape pancit dulu within two hours. Hell, silap aribulan reket squash pon tak kenal.

Santana Ft Steven Tyler - Just Feel Better

She said I feel stranded
And I can’t tell anymore
If we coming or I’m going
It’s not how I planned it
I’ve got the key to the door
But it just won’t open

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don’t, I don’t, I don’t
It goes I never went before
But this time, this time

I’m gonna try anything that just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can’t see through the haze around me
And I do anything that just feel better

And I can’t find my way
Girl I need a change
And I do anything that just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

She said I need you to hold me
I’m a little far from the shore
And I’m afraid of sinking
You’re the only one who knows me
And who doesn’t ignore
That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have it seasons
Round and round it goes
And every day’s a one before
But this time, this time

I’m gonna try anything that just feels better
Tell me what to do
You know I can’t see through the haze around me
And I do anything that just feel better

I can’t find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything that just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

Long try to holding on
To all things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It’s really getting nowhere
I think I need a little help this time!

Yeah, [guitar solo]

I’m gonna try anything that just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can’t see through the haze around me
And I do anything that just feel better

And I can’t find my way
Girl I need a change
And I do anything that just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Bittersweet. Ironic. Poetic. Melancholic. Just the darn way I’d like it. To err is human, and yet when we make any mistakes, especially those that add up to a titanic loss to us, we’d tuck the memory so far away, in the hopes that we might regain some normalcy in our lives. The essence of this movie is on our memories, those that we hold dear and those that we’d do anything to obliterate from our minds. The two central characters went through a procedure that erases unwanted memories from their minds. All of the related personal effects were thrown out so as not to confuse the ‘brand new mind’ post procedure.   

Meet Joel, the anti-hero sort of lead character. The movie started off with Joel bumping into the eccentric Clementine, blue-coloured hair and all. It was almost Valentine and he had a foolish urge to go to Montauk. From there on expect a crazy rollercoaster ride kind of turn of events, as Joel brings us back and forth into his memory of oh-my-darling-Clementine. The transition from scene to scene seemed a bit muddled, but it was necessary, since it deals with memories (which is the past) and of the present.

The relationship was like any other, full of its ups and downs. But as time goes by, Clementine became more distant and one day, she simply forgot the existence of Joel and had already dated a new guy. Joel was naturally devastated, and found out that she had her memories of him erased, thus leading him to follow the same procedure.

He went through a mental rehaul of sorts pertaining to dear Clementine. As the process of erasing relevant memories of the girl continued, he realized that love was too great a thing to simply erase and tried his best to stop the process. Those who were responsible of the erasing process had their own conflicts to unwind. For one, one of the ‘eraser crew’ had taken advantage of the process to creeping into Clementine’s life as the ‘new man’. This strengthens Joel’s resolve to stop the process and start anew. He went from memory to memory, trying his best to conceal Clementine in far away memories that does not include her. Alas, the process still went on smoothly and by the time Joel woke up, all trace of Clementine were out of his mind.

All hope was not lost. Before the last memory of Clementine was erased, they’ve made a pact to meet up Montauk. Unbelievably, they did meet up, and they started to get to know each other again. The ‘new guy’ was simply dumped, and though both had forgotten completely about the other’s existence, there was that familiar chemistry between them, drawing them closer. An irked ‘eraser crew’, who found out that the procedure was done on her to help her get past her adulterous relationship with the doctor who thought of the procedure, sent back all the tapes of confessions by those going through the procedure to them. Heh. The hero and heroine took turns to stomach the tape’s contents, which was crude and rather revealing. All the reasons for going through the procedure, all the hate and discontentment between them were recorded. Boy, it was ugly. But love is one great mystery, no matter what they both did, they’d always find themselves back in each other’s arms (Awwwww… Droopy eyed~~).

Moral of the story? Love never dies~~. Hehe. I can sum it all up in four enigmatic words. Bittersweet, which is what life is all about. Hey, we can NEVER get EVERYTHING that we desire. Ironic, it took a lot of guts, money and time to go through such procedure only to be undone by… ahahahah love. Poetic in the way the movie and the characters were presented, enticing a tear or two (bluekkkkkkkkkkkkkk). Melancholic as it is a sop story with a twist of the Keris. Hmm… would you go through such procedure to just move on and start anew? I guess I won’t, all the good and bad, all that scarred me for life, all that memories of me in the mud… at least it reminds me that I’ve gone through life the way I NEED to go through it Arigato gozaimasu Abu.